work together
I help you understand the hidden psychology of desire and attachment — so you can move through love and life with more calm, clarity, and conviction.
HOW WE CAN
But let’s be honest:
You’ve been running your emotional life on the same operating system you installed somewhere between childhood and your early twenties — and it’s starting to wear you down.
The symptoms?
- Same pattern, different person.
- Attracted to people who hit your wounds more than your potential.
- Emotionally steady in some areas… chaotic as hell in others.
- Cockblocking yourself from all the good the world has to offer-- either personally or professionally.
Nothing about you is “too much” or “not enough”.
You’re simply overdue for an upgrade — the kind where understanding yourself better leads to understanding other people better.
And when you understand how humans actually function?
Your friendships sharpen.
Your work gets cleaner.
Your health stops carrying all the stress.
Your finances stop following your emotional spikes.
And yes — your romantic life stops feeling like roulette.
You already know how to function...
WORK with me 1:1
Let's see if we're a good fit
You’ve tried strategies.
You’ve tried “no contact”.
You’ve tried being “chill”, being “more feminine”, being “less available”, being “more available”, being “high value” — you get the point.
Most of what you’ve done so far has been about managing situations.
This work is about understanding the system behind your reactions, attractions, and decisions.
Because if your unconscious patterns are in the driver’s seat, it doesn’t matter how smart you are.
You’ll keep ending up in familiar stories with different casting.
Here, we don’t demonise your patterns.
We study them, decode them, and decide which ones get to stay — and which ones are old code from a life you’ve already outgrown.
Before Your Life Changes, Your Inner Framework Has To
- Understanding your unique Desire Type™ and how it shapes attraction
- Cultivating a more authentic sex life
- Navigating mismatched libido with clarity instead of shame
- Recognising when low desire is circumstantial vs. relational
- Identifying the conditions that spark (or shut down) your desire
Desire
Psychology
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- Saying what you actually mean without threat, performance, or over-explaining.
- Repairing after conflict without begging, punishing, or disappearing.
- Boundaries that protect connection, not just walls that block it.
- Knowing when to lean in, slow down, or walk away — without spinning.
Communication, Conflict & Boundaries
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- Understanding your patterns — and the patterns you attract
- Working on turning heartbreak, betrayal or disappointment into insight — so the past no longer controls the present.
- Spotting mismatch vs. avoidance vs. genuine potential.
- Knowing when to stay, when to lean in, and when to walk away
- Reducing overthinking and self-doubt in dating
- Breaking repetitive relationship patterns
- Building emotional steadiness instead of anxiety or shutdown
- breaking the pursuer/distancer cycle
- Rewiring negative belief systems
Relational
Intelligence
(Self + Others)
02
Attachment &
Nervous
System
01
Here’s What We can Work On Together
Because once you understand your emotional operating system, it touches everything:
- Not overworking to earn worth.
- Not using relationships, work, or sex as anesthesia.
- Making money decisions from clarity, not panic or fantasy.
- Letting your lifestyle reflect where you’re going, not where you got hurt.
Life Beyond
Relationships
05
LEt's see if we're a good fit
Ben James
My work sits at the intersection of:
- Attachment theory and nervous system education
- Sexual desire and contextual arousal
- Cognitive-behavioural frameworks
- Real-world dating and relationship dynamics
I’ve helped people:
- Stop taking avoidant behaviour so personally.
- Understand why their desire disappears in “safe” relationships.
- Break patterns with emotionally unavailable partners.
- Build connections that feel steady, alive, and self-respecting.
I don’t sell fantasy.
I help you see your reality clearly enough that changing it becomes inevitable.
MASTER AT CONNECTING DOTS, SECURE-ISH
My name's Ben James. attachment theorist, recovering dismissive-avoidant, and someone who has spent an embarrassing number of years trying to outrun his own patterns while simultaneously psychoanalysing them.
(10/10 don’t recommend. Slower than just addressing the pattern.)
Before we go any further, allow me to introduce myself.
You leave the session feeling clearer, calmer, and significantly less unhinged.
Suddenly you’re making decisions that make sense, responding like an adult, and not getting ambushed by your own patterns every five minutes.
Is it therapy? No.
Is it borderline magical? Also no — it’s just what happens when you actually understand yourself and others
You leave thinking, “Okay… this makes sense now”
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Once we’re clear on what would genuinely move the needle for you, we put together a simple plan that fits your personality, your goals, and your season of life.
No “program you have to fit into.”
Just a grounded, personalised approach that feels doable — not overwhelming.
We create a plan specific
to you
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Nothing formal, nothing intimidating.
You tell me what’s going on, what’s been frustrating you, and what you actually want your relationships and life to feel like.
I’ll help you make sense of the patterns underneath it all so we know exactly where to begin.
It all starts with
a discovery call
01
Working with me is pretty straightforward: we talk, we identify the real issue beneath the symptoms, and then we build a plan that helps you get the breakthrough you actually need right now. It’s practical, it’s grounded, and it’s designed to make you feel clearer and more capable — not overwhelmed or overanalysed.
the Process and how I work with you
If you decide to continue working together after this session, the cost of this call is credited toward your ongoing package — so you’re not paying twice to get started.
Some people don’t want to ease into things — they want clarity now.
If you’re feeling stuck, confused about a relationship, spiralling over mixed signals, or just want to understand why you keep ending up in the same dynamic… this is the fastest way to break the cycle.
In this 90-minute session, we’ll:
Map the real pattern behind what’s going on
Identify the core shift that will make the biggest impact right now
Give you tools and a clear plan so you walk out knowing exactly what to do next
No weeks of backstory.
No gentle warm-up period.
Just answers, clarity, and momentum.
What if you prefer to skip straight to a one-off
90-minute session?
I'm ready to go
$450 per session
BOOk A Single session
— Danny, 34
Working with Ben felt very calm and grounded. He didn’t rush me or push me. He just asked the right questions and somehow everything made sense in a way it never had. It felt like talking to a friend who could see the bigger picture when it was hard for me in the moment.
Highly recommend
— Jess, 30
When I was going through heartbreak I felt like I was never going to be okay again. Ben listened and helped me make sense of what I was feeling. I still miss the person, but I don’t feel stuck or bitter. I’m not dragging the past into whatever comes next.
He helped me through my breakup
— Jacob, 37
What I liked about working with Ben was how straightforward he is. There’s no fluff. He gets right to the core of what’s going on without making you feel stupid for missing it. It’s like having someone translate your own behaviour back to you in a clearer language.
Cut straight to the core of my struggles
- Erin, 42
- Tori, 31
- Hannah, 28
I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years, so I don’t usually hear anything new. But the way Ben looks at things is completely different from what I’m used to. He pointed out things I’d never noticed, and honestly some of it felt like lightbulbs going off. His guidance has been genuinely useful for me in ways I didn’t expect.
He just gets it
I don’t get dominated by my anxiety in relationships like I use to. I'd push so hard for connection and then blame myself when it didn't happen the way I thought it should. I feel way more authentic in the way I date now and don't push what isn't for me
I'm way less anxious now
Ben just makes things make sense. I’ve talked to a lot of people about my patterns, but the way he breaks things down is the first time it actually clicked for me. It’s like he connected all the dots I’d been staring at for years.
He made so much sense to me
Q
&
A
Is this a replacement for therapy or medication?
No. This work is not a substitute for therapy, psychiatric support, or medication.
If you’re living with a diagnosed mental health condition, it should be treated and managed by the relevant medical and psychological professionals.
I don’t diagnose or treat disorders — and I don’t pretend to.
What I do is help you identify the patterns in your relationships, nervous system, and behaviour that are getting in the way of the life you want — and give you the tools and frameworks to change them.
You’re welcome to pursue therapy, medication, or other modalities alongside this coaching. Many of my clients do.
But in our experience, when you combine psychological support with pattern recognition and relational skill-building, people often move through their healing journey far faster than they expected — not because coaching “replaces” therapy, but because it complements it.
Is this coaching only for people in relationships?
No.
No.
Some clients are single, some are dating, some are in long-term relationships, and some aren’t sure what they want next. And there are always those who find themselves in situationships.
The work is about you — not your relationship status.
How does coaching work?
We start by getting clear on what’s actually going on in your world — what you want, what you’re struggling with, and what the biggest breakthrough would be for you right now.
From there, we create a plan around that.
Not a one-size-fits-all program, and not a long emotional excavation just for the sake of it — a targeted approach designed to help you get what you need most in this season of your life.
Whether your turning point is understanding your attachment struggles, breaking a repeating relationship pattern, rebuilding after heartbreak, or learning how to communicate without losing yourself — we base the work on what will move the needle for you.
Some people start with a single session for that breakthrough.
Others choose ongoing coaching for continued support and momentum.
Either way, the work meets you where you are and takes you where you want to go.
Is my identity protected?
We work with clients who have reputations and careers to protect — founders, public figures, executives, creators, and people whose personal lives can’t afford to become public conversation. We understand what privacy means on a professional, relational, and emotional level.
If you have specific privacy concerns or boundaries, we’ll address them directly during our consultation so you feel fully protected before you begin. Your reputation, livelihood, and peace of mind are taken as seriously as your growth.
Your identity will never be disclosed, hinted at, or implied.
